Boredom and book writing

I've been attempting to write a novel as i've mentioned before the trouble is that i'm bored of it, and have a hard time making any progress, i believe its called procrastination. But that aside shouldn't it be easier than this if that's what i'm meant to do? Shouldn't i have some inherent talent or drive that keeps me going? or is that just B.S?

Sweet lord o' mercy what does it take to get a moment of inspiration?

I'm hard at work (if by hard you mean 2 or 3 hours a week) on the ol' novel, but it stinks, and not just in the traditional dull way. It stinks out loud, screaming the stench like that guy who sits next to you on the bus even though every other seat is empty( and they wonder why people hate public transit) my main issue is dialogue, i suppose my desire to see something outside of my own meager existence has driven me to create a world where people talk like they have some kind of existential protuberance tickling their innards while they think of what to say next....Morons... so they wind up talking like the lowest level of soap opera actor....Good God! Is that the future of my writing? If it pays, then I'll get over it.

Decision making part II

I spent last weekend with some close old friends in Malagash N.S It was a real eye opener, in a lot of ways. It was a real trip to be the only one without kids and although there were alot of the usual " you'll understand when you have kids" and "You can't imagine how much your life will change" it was pretty good. I took alot of pictures, and did alot of thinking/Drinking/Other. What i came up with is this...I'm a jackass! In the sense that i may NEVER be satisfied with my life in the career region, and in the monetary region. Nonetheless i felt (and continue to feel) that i need to progress toward something more tangible. My heart always seems to guide me to the arts; writing, music, film...Not a whole lot of coin in there. Here i stand once again. I wonder if career choices would be easier if there were less of them.

Decision making... part one

I'm thinking about university alot lately, trying to figure out if i want to spend 9 years in school to teach at a university level and write, do i need to? IS that what i want? Will I ever know what i want for a career? At todays prices a doctorate costs 60,000 just for tuition, not including books, living expenses, and so on...it's a rich man's game to say the least. I sometimes feel as though this is my station, and any attempt to be a class jumper, might be an excercise in futility.

Didn't see that one coming!

I, in my internet travels have ran across some interesting things, something for every emotion, urge, or inclanation. I've seen Pornography, Music, news, lies,truth, paranoia. In my email i find spam every day, i guess it's the flyers of our generation, we're like the people walking down a busy street and getting accosted wit leaflets of every sort, but today i got the spam to end all spam. Normally it's sex-related "lonely housewives", "small penis?" (who told?) this one was different; Vinyl siding, i got spammed over vinyl siding, do you mean to tell me the home improvement industry is doing so poorly that this is their new marketing scheme? Genius, really... I didn't read it of course, so "vinyl siding" could be some new sex thing i'm not aware of..."Wow, Wanda really rocked me last night man!"..."Did ya Give 'er the ol' Vinyl siding?"....Or something like that. But taking it at face value really puts into perspective how little human contact is involved in a business transaction these days, you can see and ad, order a product and have it delivered, all without speaking to anyone. I don't really know if that's such a good idea folks...

Lazy days

I havent said too much on here for awhile, just lazy i guess, i get home from work and dont want to do anything at all, no wrting, nothing but the ol' telly, click it on and let the drool just happen.

I'm ready for the next chapter

It's my wife's and my one year anniversary. I can't think of anything more fitting than being with her. She and I met around 6 years ago this past may through her cousin, who has been a friend of mine since high school, I guess you could say that things weren't solid at first, as we dated for 6 or 7 months and then split, but later reconciled and it's been sweet ever since. I don't want to lie to you, we don't agree about alot of things, we don't usually like the same music (1 out of 10 cd's maybe) alot of that kind of small shit, but those who think that kind of thing is important are just unwilling to work at a relationship. She and I have a really damn good time together, and our bond is stronger for all the work we did learning what we do agree on. Through her i've been exposed to things my own interests might not have led me to, and the same for her ( I still can't get her to listen to Led Zeppelin but what can you do...) All this is leading up to one thing, I finally feel my emotional life is solid, and now i need to work on my career life, start striving for those dreams. My thoughts are garbled in this area, but i'm getting closer to a clear answer. I know this about myself: 1) I'm Lazy, if i don't have to, i'd rather not work my ass off every day, that's getting REAL old. 2)I Love the creative process, to look at the world from completley my perspective, and express it via some medium, be it Photo, music or print. 3) I'm a country guy at heart, always have been, and I tend to hold those memories close. 4) I love to argue, and debate, and be sarcastic as much as is reasonably possible, however, I often feel guilty for some of the things i say in the heat of the moment ( There is a story i love about Mark Twain, who used to write letters to political figures visciously chastising them, and would get his wife to mail them, she in turn would throw them in the fire. That story always makes me laugh, because it shows how people complete each other, she was his temper, whenever he lost it) In any case, If all these things can be mashed into a job that pays my bills, I think i'd be just fine with that. So that's that, Chapter 1 Relationships...let's read chapter 2

Life, Death, and God knows what else...

I've been contemplative as of late...The father of a buddy of mine, and a former teacher at my old school has passed away. This kind of stuff always makes you contemplate the "mortal coil", but the closer it falls to your circle, the more you think and the deeper it goes. Finally you come upon the fundamental question that really plagues us all in the end; What haveI left behind? For myself, that question spawned a creative outpouring, a drive to create a body of written word that i can leave as my legacy. Now I realize "legacy" gives the air of something of value, yet intangible in some way, like a heriditary title or something, and what I would leave is neither valueable nor intangible, more ...incomprehensible? We'll accept that definition for now.
My desire is and has long been, to create. Perhaps that has been man's quest since the dawn of time, that Sculpture, paintings, photos theatre, are but man's desire to be like God. Who can say. What I know is that my time is now, my mind must prepare itself to unleash itself unto the world and it's critics, with their harsh words and opinions. Stand tall and be counted.

Abortion? Well.. I really don't know...

Obviously i'm touching on some very tender areas here. Abortion has always been a very sensitive subject for Canadians. I'm not sure where I stand on the subject, and i'm certain that alone offends alot of people. Ironic that fence-sitting pisses more people off than actually taking a view on something. In any case we have our two sides: Pro-life, who believe that life begins at conception, and that any destruction of said life is murder therefore abortion is wrong. Pro-choice believe that until a certain peroid of time the fetus is just cells, and until that time in which the cells develop into a person, it is simply a removal of tissue from the body, the perception of the time that a fetus becomes a person probably varies according to each person you ask, but for the most part there is a limit for most people. In any case where do those concepts lead us?
Let's take a few scenarios and apply the two sides to them;
A 13 year old has been raped by her father, and becomes pregnant: With varying degrees of conservatism the following could happen A) She could keep the child B) She could carry the child to full term and put it up for adoption C) She could have an abortion. I can honestly say i don't know what i would do in that situation. But if she did have an abortion(option C) , i could probably understand, if for no other reason than the fact that she has suffered enough at the hands of her father, should she really have to be reminded for the next nine months(option A & B), and then potentially some distant day in the future when her child finds her and asks where he/she comes from (if she chose option B)(assuming the child isn't disfigured or developmentally challenged from the inbreeding)
A woman and her partner are having a child but her body can't support a child and she will die if she carries to full term. This scenario also covers ectopic pregancy, where the ege fertilises in the fallopian tube. In these cases the fetus has to be aborted in order to save the mother's life, does this mean she should feel guilty? I'm gonna have to go ahead and say no, I see no other means here, in order for the mother to survive.
A woman has had unprotected sex carelessly and becomes pregnant the sex was consentual, the woman is healthy. This is where it gets hazy for me. I don't see how using abortion as birth control is right, after all, anyone having intercourse should be responsible enough to use appropriate protection, and/or be ready to deal with any consequences, still accidents happen, and i guess a life shouldnt be ruined by that (i'm sure the pro lifers could eat me alive with that last sentence)But adoption might be a better option...I guess i'm not sure...still....

Gay cowboys are boring....who knew?

What a ridiculous country we live in (and i guess i should include the U.S as well in this) I have been inundated with hype and rave reviews of this "brokeback mountain" how it's so amazing that they had the guts to make this film, and how it was so wrong to bar it from some theatres. " they're just predjudiced" i heard it said. What they (the conservative theatre owners, and anyone else with an anti-gay agenda) are in fact uninformed. I speak not so much of how gay people are part of our society and deserve rights and freedoms equal to all peoples (which i believe they do), but more to do with the following peice of info that seemed to escape all the accolade & confetti throwing critics out there (save the academy, but i'll get to that later) This movie was dull as a ritalin fueled school day, perhaps worse. Okay i get it, two guys get jobs herding sheep on a mountain, have sex with the only available partner.....(i wonder if the next big movie will be about a man and his passion for a sheep)anyway, they love each other seceretly their entire lives and the movie is pretty much about the hurtin' and hiding (good title for a gay country song?) they do their entire lives. The plot is thin, the characters are one dimensional and pretty much the only thing i hadnt seen in a movie before was Randy quaid not being funny. Long story short I applaud the effort, i think it's important that gay themes are as regular and accepted as any other movie, but do it well, don't allow the plot to hang on two well known male actors doing the nasty to each other. In reality the theatre owners who objected to the film didn't have to bar the film, people would have just seen it and told their friends how much it sucked. My wife agrees with me on this point, the actors didn't really seem to have a whole lot of chemistry, the kissing seemed awkward, and contrived. While i respect both the actors , i didn't feel for the characters. The academy (i said i'd get back to them)seemed to feel the same, much to the chagrin of the author who exhibited a fine example of sour grapes about the film not winning. i didnt see Crash, but it had to be better than this.

Old Friends

I was thinking about some pals of mine back in Halifax. John was and is one of those tragic lives lived, Myself and he and his brother have been friends since grade 3 i beleive. We connected on the common ground of poverty, and the fact that none of our fathers had ever bothered to show up for our lives. I remember John and I at 12 years old shouting "we are bastards and f'in proud of it!" as if The world should take notice of the two young men with no father and limitless potenital. They were tough, John and Sam, i suspect John did his part as the older sibling to see to it that Sam was tough, likely much to Sam's chagrin. That was never why we were friends though, as i was never strong like that, i always hated fighting, and was too awkward to defend myself, so more often then not John would step up and defend me, looking back i think he enjoyed that, it made him noble in a way. Both of our families had nothing, and we went to the "poor kids school" but it suited us, there was no class distinction there, most of us were in the same boat anyway. By the time Junior high school came around John was different, he was concentrating on being popular and didn't hang out as much with me anymore. I hadn't discovered the whole popularity thing yet so i was pretty much a loser. But I never recall Sam being the same way, He was always about people, he loves interacting with others, even now he's in his element at a party or anywhere with new people. That was a talent that both of them had, a sharpness for dealing with others, an ability to deal, business-wise. Things kind of gravitated into two separate groups after awhile, so until i moved away, i spent half the time hanging with Sam and his crew "the south end posse"(blame that name on the prevalent rap culture of the time) and John and the gang who lived in westmount plus a few people from school. I don't recall spending more time with one or the other, but memory clouds this stuff, and i'm sure Sam could tell you that i turned snob at some point too, but i prefer to recall being a loyal friend.(and not at all a loser) Those days i recall with a fondness, a dusting of myth and memory,like some old novel or story, where the ending is always happy. Eventually I moved away (long story in and of itself) and only talked to the guys once or twice a year for awhile. I managed to develop a new life in the country, made friends. John had a car accident and suffered brain damage that affected his memory and he's spent his time since in a care home. One of my biggest guilts is not visiting him at least once a year, but it's just hard in a way, to see him as a new person, as someone who can't develop like he deserved to, like he inevitably would have. I guess that's my hang up, and i probably should smarten up. We all started life with a future, and it hasn't been exactly like we thought it would, while John has been living his life, Sam and myself have spent years since high school existing. Sam is working towards his degree now, and i'm still lost as to what to do with my life. WHo knows what the future holds. I see ol' sam doing something with people, in a business setting, with his talents the guy could be a millionaire. John could've been something for sure, i recall anything he was passionate about he was tops at. When he was into skateboarding he was very good at it, when he was into R/C cars he could fix anything on them, what he did he did 110%. I don't want to say he was perfect but he had talent. I guess what i'm saying is that it's a shame to see things change like that.

The future of the nation

I think i've got this whole thing figured out, here we are wasting our time and tax dollars electing the same prime minister every election (albeit in a different body each time, but i think you know what i mean) why not try something different; Instead of the election, we can ford the job out as a return to work initiative through welfare. That way we're putting someone who doesnt want to work, into a job where they really don't have to. Or even through Unemployment...This could really work, think about it no more elections canada, every four years the PM gets laid off (top stamps of course) and another fish is drawn from the pool to lead the nation into the future. No worries about what jackass is going to get in, what their agenda is, and what lies they're telling us. That's just the tip of the iceberg, hell most of the politicians are lawyers anyway, they've got options for jobs, let them go and fill the parliament with out of work miners, carpenters, and fishermen. Might be interesting to see what would happen when someone who knows what it's like to go without is running the country.

Two Tiered health care..and the rich can live longer too?

I see it in the future, this whole health care "tiered" deal. Where once again, the rich are afforded whatever they wish, and the poor are afforded bare minimum. Someone said to me the other day "In the states, everyone pays their own way, you'll at least still have health care" Fair enough. Still it vexes me greatly to consider that a rich man, no matter what his quality, can live a long healthy life because of his money, when the poor man, dies of cancer on his 45th birthday because he doesnt have access to the same quality care as the wealthy man. Come to think of it, when was the last time you ever really heard of a rich person dying of anything but an accident or old age? What is that? I guess i can't blame the Prime minister, every PM for the entireity of our beloved homeland's history has come from wealth and comfort (please correct me of i'm wrong), I suspect the same is true for our neighbours to the south. So how is it that those of us who arent wealthy (by far the friggin' majority) expect to be acurately represented? By Rockefeller or Trump, or Gates? These names while they obviously are intelligent,( you can't get rich without some brains, and work ethic) Can't look at the country from the persepctive of those who HAVE to work to pay their bills, eat, and go to the doctor. I cannot vote for another Wealthy PM, is there a blue collar person out there with the right stuff? I hope so, cause otherwise don't count on me at the polls.

...Or get off the pot..

One of the reasons i started doing all this was to see what i had inside my head, often times little, but somewhere i felt there was a spark. Your parents always tell you you can be anything you want to be, no doubt that line of shit has been spoonfed for generations. Aside from the fact that im aware that i in fact "c'na be ever'tin" and accept that, I want to be something. And since i've always written i thought i might try working towards that end, make a really serious hobby out of it (unless it pays the bills) so I went out and bought this years canadian writers market, a mini tape recorder, and dug out a ream of fine printer paper. Nothing! I have no real ideas, i'm drawing a blank, i'm not flowing or feeling anything. I always seemed to write my best when i'm emotional or amplified in some way, hapiness doesnt inspire me to artisitc triumph, more that it inspires me to relax and not worry about anything. When i was a teen and fraught with girl troubles and being grounded, getting good grades (that's a lie, i just wanted to pass) that's when i was a torrential shit storm of ideas about love, life, and all the great muses of time. Not now, i have a good life, a great wife, and everything i need to survive. It's a blues man's nightmare, nothing to be sad about....

new lives to live

My cousin just had a baby, the story continues, im at a loss as to what to do to help, i want to help her out any way i can but i have very little to give at this point. She gave her mom's name as a middle name which is nice, i had wanted to do the same thing as a memoriam but it seems a little redundant now. I'm always a little uncomfortable with this stuff anyway, i've never really been on a level playing field with my family as they are all a bit different than me and so we dont always want the same things at the same time and are often left with little to agree about. Still I care for them, and find points in each that i can relate to..

...and so it goes...

Well i quit one crappy job and now work another..for more bread at least, that extra few dollars can ease a lot of mental anguish. I'm still not really where i want to be, or even sure where that is yet, but at 33 i better get busy figuring it out. It really is a commonplace thing there are so many of us "lost" in this generation, we don't have any real dreams or aspirations. Myself i didn't find the school system did a whole lot to funnel people anywhere other than university "go to university and you'll get a job" LIES! There are so many out there with degrees working crappy jobs it's unbeliveable, which in turn makes it even worse for the guys with just high school, because of course education always prevails. so maybe the problem is more the economy......

The writing process

I've been writing three different books for about three years, and i'm at a point now that i feel they all stink. My characters are one-dimensional, and my plotlines are contrived and pretty much lame, the only thing i can say i'm sure of is that they need work so i'm going to start working at the craft of writing instead of my usual ranting and raving.

Electoral Orifice

I've been watching all this election garbage and i've noticed one thing that stands true about all the commercials. Each party NEVER talks about what they plan to do, and ALWAYS talk about how the other guys messed up. What does any of that accomplish? To further divide us along party lines? I say enough already. Go to your voting booths and tell Ottawa NO! No more partisan politics, we have done this great country a great deal of damage. If you arent willing to go that far, at least tell your M.P that it's time they focused on how they can help us now, not the other guy's past mistakes, maybe then we can get things done. All I know for sure about the election is that Paul Martin re-flagged his ships to avoid paying taxes in canada, and that makes him....a businessman, how many of us are looking for loopholes every year on our tax bill? What about Stephen Harper, all the liberal commercials seem to focus on is that he is against "woman's right to choose" well....HE'S A FREAKIN CONSERVATIVE IS THAT A BIG SHOCK? I don't want to hear any of it, tell me what you're going to do for Canada guys, that's what many of us want to hear. Focus on the issues, not on the mudslinging.

The Family thing...

Been thinking about my father alot lately, we're estranged in a matter of speaking, i havent talked to him in 10 years, and maybe spoken to him 4 times my whole life. No big thing there, but the key is i feel cheated, i feel like half of my family history will never be known cause he and i can't pull it together. So where does that leave me exactly? I'm not so concerned about the "father" thing per se, i have had excellent role models in my life, i just have a desire to know what kind of folk i come from, who they are, what they do etc.. I guess i'm just going to have to step to it and do it, got nothing to lose except a little hope and pride right? I don't want anything from the guy, just some time, maybe a few laughs.